Why is Holiday Sex so great?!
Somatic Sexologist Alice Child explains the science behind why sex on holiday can be so much better than sex at home, and how to have better, more connected intimacy every day.
You’d be amazed how many times I hear things like "the best sex I’ve ever had was in Bali”, or “the only time I don’t have painful sex is on holiday”, or “the only time we have sex is on holiday”.
I hear something like this at least once a week. So what's going on here? Why is holiday sex so great, what is the science behind it, and how can we have ‘holiday sex’ at home?
Why is sex on holiday so much better than at home?
Great holiday sex is the perfect example of the dual control model for human arousal and libido, desire and chemistry. On holiday, we tend to prioritize far more of our ‘erotic accelerators’, and we leave lots of our ‘erotic brakes’ at home.
What is the dual control model for human arousal?
Essentially, think of arousal and desire like a car. At any point, you have certain things on your accelerator pedals, and certain things on your brake pedals.
Your accelerators are things that turn you on, that make you feel connected to your own body, to your partner and to your sexuality.
Your brakes are things that do the opposite. These are things that turn you off, that disconnect you from your sexuality, your body, your desire and/or from your partner.
When more accelerators than brakes are present, it is much easier to trigger your desire for sex, build arousal, and experience pleasure.
When more brakes are present, it can be very difficult or even impossible to get in the mood for sex.
What are common 'erotic brakes' at home?
Life is busy, and filled with many erotic brakes. Things like:
- Work stress
- Fatigue
- Too much screen time
- Not enough time for yourself
- Anxiety and mental health issues
- Housework and chores
- Conflict and arguments
- Feeling in a rut
- Messy house / dirty sheets
What are common 'erotic accelerators' on holiday?
When we go on holiday, we are accidentally bringing all of our accelerators with us. Things like:
- Sunshine and time in nature
- Great food & wine
- Moving your body, walking, swimming, dancing, exercise
- Adventuring
- Exploring new places
- Big comfortable beds and clean sheets
- Room service
- Novelty and newness
- Lots of beautiful quality time with your partner
- And/or self care / time for yourself
Plus, according to Jack Marin in his book, The Erotic Mind, novelty and newness are huge aphrodisiacs. Most people's top erotic experiences in their life involve some form of new experience. So being in a new place can be a huge turn on for many people.
Even if you're not in a relationship, being on holiday can tap into a lot of your own personal accelerators, allowing you to really surrender and enjoy more casual, carefree erotic encounters than perhaps you would feel comfortable doing on your home soil.
Top tips for how to have holiday sex at home
Life is too short to only have great sex on holiday. I like to encourage my clients to think, how can we create holiday mode at home? Here are some tips of how to do that:
- Create holiday mode at home with daily intimacy and rituals
Carve out time for daily connection - for example make how you say goodbye in the morning or how you greet each other after work more meaningful. Turn these moments into rituals for connection, and do something every single day that makes you feel intimately connected. A hug, a kiss, a gesture, a text.
Couples Therapist John Gottman observed that couples who have at least six hours a week of quality time and rituals together have more connection, communication & passion.
- Talk about your brakes/accelerators
Ask each other - what accelerators work for us on holiday and how can we recreate some of that energy in our own space? And what breaks tend to get in the way of us being erotic and how can we manage some of those as well? Make intimacy and connection a priority in your day to day lives.
- Learn each other's love languages
Learn each other‘s love languages, and help each other feel wanted and appreciated - every. single. day. Feeling ‘needed’ isn’t sexy. Feeling desired and wanted is. Remember - foreplay is the whole relationship.
- Keep adventuring
When was the last time you learnt something new together? Novelty and newness are huge aphrodisiacs, so keep trying new things in life - not just sex.
Be playful, get curious, go on adventures, play Pillow Play, and trigger your creativity.
- Plan date nights
Schedule good quality time for date nights / date days. Schedule a date night that feels fun, connective and new. Novelty is the spice of life...and rocket fuel for attraction. Need new ideas for your date nights? Download Pillow Play - my sex and intimacy games for couples!
- Kiss like you mean it
Don’t just peck each other good morning and good night. Let your kisses (and your touches) linger. A cute peck isn’t a bad thing, but don’t let it become the only way you kiss each other. Put meaning behind the way you touch and kiss each other.
Relationship Therapist John Gottman recommends a 6-second kiss every. single. day. This is a kiss with potential. You can actually say / do something with a kiss that lasts 6 seconds. Kisses and touch are a whole language. What are you trying to say to your partner without words?
- initiate sex with seduction
Don‘t take each other for granted and fall into lazy habits when it comes to initiating sex Every body wants to feel sexy / wanted / desired / attractive. So seduce each other - even 20 years later. Don’t just think about your needs when you initiate sex - think about what helps THEM get in the mood.
- Prioritise yourself
Forget ‘two become one’. Great attraction and chemistry needs a bit of distance and mystery. Practice lovingly giving and respecting each others‘ solo time.
Make an effort on yourself. What makes YOU feel sexiest/most confident - and make these things a priority. And encourage your partner to do the same. It’s often the things that make our partner different from us that first attracted us to them.
Enjoy!
Alice x
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