How Our Inner Voices Shape Desire, Boundaries & Confidence

Why is it so hard to say what we really want in bed, in love, in life? Coach Nyla explores how inner protector parts (like the critic, perfectionist or avoider) shape our ability to express desire and set boundaries and offers 3 practical ways to shift from self-silencing to self-trust.

We know pleasure matters, but it’s not always easy to feel it.

You’ve carved out time. The vibe is right. The candle’s lit. The partner’s keen.
And still… your brain won’t shut up. You’re in your head, not your body.
You overthink what you're saying. You wonder if now’s the moment.
Or you go along with it, when what you really wanted was something else.

We know what we want - deeper connection, emotional safety, real turn-on. But accessing it in real life is a whole other story. Old patterns get in the way.

Pleasure isn’t just about sex. It’s attunement, voice and self-worth. It shows up in the bedroom and the boardroom.

As SheSpot co-founder Kalila puts it: “Pleasure isn’t a luxury, it’s part of our everyday wellbeing.” Yet, in a world that still shames female desire and rewards emotional self-containment, it’s no wonder our inner voices get loud.

Reclaiming pleasure means learning to access embodied sensuality, whether that’s a boundary, a bath or the courage to ask for what you want.

It’s not just what society tells us, it’s what we’ve learned to tell ourselves. Many of us have internalised messages that say: Don't be too much. Don’t make it awkward. Keep things light, palatable.

Over time, cultural messages turn inward, becoming inner protectors that show up in the moments we most want to feel free. 

You might recognise:

• The Inner Critic: Full of self-doubt and overthinking. She questions your desirability and replays everything you said.

• The Overfunctioner: A caretaker who carries the emotional labour. Always anticipating, always smoothing tension, often at her own expense.

• The Avoider: Fears depth and dodges vulnerability. She keeps it light or makes a joke when things get real.

• The Perfectionist: Driven and capable, but terrified of doing it wrong. She edits herself constantly and often confuses “getting it right” with being safe.

These parts aren't flaws, they’re strategies. But if they always run the show, we end up disconnected from ourselves, our needs and what we really want. 

✨ 3 Ways to Tune Into Desire (Without Leaving Yourself Behind)

Noticing these patterns is the first step. Here are three ways to start softening them in real life:

1. Name the part: When you feel hijacked by self-doubt or overthinking, try saying: “A part of me feels anxious right now.” It reminds your nervous system you’re not the part, you’re the observer. That alone creates space for choice.
   
   

2. Pause before responding: Before replying to that message or saying “yes,” pause and ask: “What do I actually want here?” and “What part of me is reacting?” You don’t have to reply from urgency or autopilot.
   
   

3. Spot your patterns: Think of a recent moment when you felt off, resentful, or shut down. Ask: “Which part of me took over?” and “What was she trying to protect me from?”

Small shifts like these are how we begin turning insight into embodiment — and that’s where real change happens.

This is why I created Liberated Relating, for the woman who’s begun the inner work, but feels like something isn’t shifting.

She’s emotionally intelligent, self-aware, maybe therapy-literate, but tired of doing it alone. She wants to show up more fully, more honestly. 

Through guided practices, real-time coaching and honest reflection, this space supports your growth in real time. This isn’t mindset coaching. It’s deep personal growth work that helps you show up with more clarity, aliveness and connection in every part of your life.

Inside this 10-week, part-virtual, part-in-person programme, you’ll:

• Rebuild inner safety and trust so your needs don’t get overridden

• Communicate clearly even when part of you wants to go quiet

• Feel grounded in relationships without losing yourself

• Develop embodied self-awareness and emotional regulation

• Be supported by a group of emotionally intelligent women who get it and are the same path of growth and reclamation 

This programme supports you to come home to yourself, with more self-trust, clarity and connection in love, sex and life.

Because insight is powerful, but it’s embodiment that turns awareness into change. You can know your patterns, your attachment style, your desires… and still say “yes” when you mean “maybe.” Still fall silent when your heart’s full of something real. That’s not a failure. It’s a sign your nervous system and emotional patterns need support to integrate what you already know into how you show up.

About Nyla

Nyla is a Certified Psychosynthesis Life & Leadership Coach and the founder of Unbound Relating. She helps people build the inner emotional toolkit they were never taught, so they can create more secure, fulfilling and connected relationships, with themselves and others.

Her holistic, integrative approach weaves together parts work, embodiment and nervous system support to foster real-time growth. Nyla is trauma-aware, neurodivergent-aware, queer-affirming and deeply committed to inclusive, non-pathologising spaces for personal transformation.

Alongside group programmes, she offers 1:1 coaching and regular workshops through WeAreX, helping people rewire outdated patterns and show up in love, sex and life with clarity and confidence.