What is Somatic Sexology and how can it help your sex life?

Somatic Sexologist, Sex Coach and founder of Vulva Dialogues Alice Child explains the basics of somatics in relation to human sexuality, and gives some simple tips and exercises to try at home.

Today, we live in a time where many of us are stuck in our mental world, instead of listening to our bodies. There is an inherent disconnect between what the body is experiencing and our ability to notice, listen, and pay attention. Over time, we lose the ability to ‘check-in’ with our bodies, and don’t have the language to articulate what we are noticing (or not noticing).  

It is for this reason that so many people struggle to stay ‘in the moment’ during sex. They might find their thoughts wandering, thinking about something else entirely. They might get stuck worrying about how they are performing, what they look like, what their partner is thinking, or whether or not they will be able to reach orgasm, stay hard, or build arousal. 

Sound familiar?

Somatic awareness helps people bring their attention back into their body and stay more present. This has an incredible impact on sex, intimacy, and our ability to feel pleasure.  

What is Somatics?

Somatics is any practice that develops and strengthens the mind-body connection. Somatic practices teach you how to mindfully scan and listen to your body, survey your internal self, and pick up signals that your body is sending. These signals could be areas of pain, numbness, discomfort, pleasure, arousal, inbalance or blockages. 

Everyone feels and interprets these ‘signals’ differently, but they may be felt as tension, tightness, vibrations, heat, tingles, shivers, emotions, feelings, colours, visualisations or even memories.

What is Somatic Sexology?

Somatic Sexology takes somatic practices and adapts them to teach people how to have better sex. Erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, difficulty organsming, low libido, low sexual confidence, and difficulty voicing desires are all very common sexual concerns that benefit from somatic awareness.

Similarly, many people rely on their brain to turn them on, through internal fantasies or porn. Although these are useful erotic tools, if we become over reliant on them we risk loosing the ability to rely on the sensations in our bodies to build our arousal. These people may feel ‘desensitized’, and find it hard to stay present with the sensations or connection they are experiencing in the present moment without the addition of porn or fantasy. 

As a Somatic Sexologist, I help people get out of their head, and into their bodies. 

What can we learn from our bodies? 

Our bodies are not separate entities from our minds, and they are so much more than a collection of body parts and organs, designed to ‘obey’ and carry out the desires of the brain. 

Our bodies carry wisdom, intuition, emotion, and our personal history. Just like people physically feel stress in different parts of their body - such as a tightness in their chest or an unsettling in their gut - we all carry emotion and experiences in how we present and feel within our bodies. This can be particularly powerful for people who have experienced sexual, physical or emotional trauma.

Somatic practices teach you how to access more information about the ways you hold on to your experiences in your body. With this knowledge, we can mindfully forge new pathways using somatic awareness and embodiment practices.

How can I try Somatics at home? 

Here are some simple practices I teach my clients to help them get out of their heads and into their bodies.

Remember, as with any ongoing practice with the mind or body, somatics takes time and practice. Just as one session of meditation, yoga, physio or martial arts won’t result in any significant ongoing change, somatic practices take time and practice to learn and become familiar. 

To really start to notice results, try doing this pleasure-based body scan every day for 5-10 minutes. What do you notice in your body before, during and after?

Daily Pleasure practice

Everyday, do something that brings your body pleasure. 

1. Sit still, close your eyes, and deepen your breath
2. Ask yourself ‘what would bring my body pleasure today’? This could be anything! Some ideas include stretching and moving your body, a bubble bath, a barefoot walk, getting out into the sunshine, a self-massage, masturbation, moisturizing your whole body, lying still outdoors, giving yourself a facial - anything!
3. Carve out the time, and do it! 
4. Ask yourself before, during and after - what am I noticing in my body?

Pleasure-based Body Scan

1. Get comfortable, close your eyes, and place both hands on you body. You might consider lighting some candles or putting on some music to help you feel relaxed. 
2. Lengthen and deepen your breath. Focus your awareness on your breath. Notice the rise and fall of your chest. Invite deep breaths into your lungs, and lengthen your exhale.  Sit here for as long as you like. 
3. Ask yourself ‘where am I experiencing pleasure?’ Take a moment to feel for your body. Spend time scanning your body for feelings of pleasure. They might be subtle, such as the warmth of your hands on your body, or they might be large. Without judgement just notice and sit with the sensations you are noticing as you scan your body.
4. Focus your awareness on one area of pleasure in your body. Be curious about this pleasurable sensation - how does it feel? How would you describe it? If it had a colour, or a temperature, or a movement, what would it be? 
5. Now ask yourself, `where do I want to feel pleasure in my body?” Can you bring your awareness to that body part, and be curious about what you notice there? Is it numb, sleepy, sore, uncomfortable, arousing, exciting? Whatever it is, just notice without judgment 

• Think to yourself, if you were to receive some form of touch to this part of your body, what sort of touch might it want? How might you ask for it? What words would you use to describe the touch you are craving? 
• Finally, scan your body as a whole. What are you noticing now? Has anything changed?

5 senses body scan

1. Get comfortable, close your eyes, and place both hands on you body. You might consider lighting some candles or putting on some music to help you feel relaxed. 
2. Lengthen and deepen your breath. Focus your awareness on your breath. Notice the rise and fall of your chest. Invite deep breaths into your lungs, and lengthen your exhale.  Sit here for as long as you like. 
3. Ask yourself ‘what can I see that brings me pleasure’.  Take a moment to scan your surroundings with a soft gaze. Notice a few things around you that are pleasing to the eye. How do they make you feel? What emotions, feelings or sensations do you experience when you notice them? What  might you surround yourself with to make this even more pleasurable for you next time you do this exercise? Have a deep breath, feeling a sense of gravity and grounding.
4. Ask yourself ‘what can I smell that brings me pleasure’.  Take a moment to gently inhale. What do you notice? How do the scents around you make you feel? What emotions, feelings or sensations do you experience when you notice them? What scents might feel even more pleasurable for you next time you do this? Have a deep breath, feeling a sense of gravity and grounding.
5. Ask yourself ‘what can I taste that brings me pleasure’.  Take a moment to gently feel your lips and mouth with your tongue. What do you notice? How does the taste in your mouth make you feel? What emotions, feelings or sensations do you experience when you notice them? What taste might feel even more pleasurable for you next time you do this? Have a deep breath, feeling a sense of gravity and grounding.
6. Ask yourself ‘what can I hear that brings me pleasure’.  Take a moment to gently explore the sounds around you. What do you notice? What is loud, and what is subtle?  How does the sound make you feel? What emotions, feelings or sensations do you experience when you notice them? What sounds might feel even more pleasurable for you next time you do this? Have a deep breath, feeling a sense of gravity and grounding.
7. Ask yourself ‘what can I feel that brings me pleasure’.  Take a moment to gently explore the internal feelings within your body. What do you notice? What is obvious, and what is more subtle?  What emotions, feelings or sensations do you experience? Where in your body are you feeling them? Have a deep breath, feeling a sense of gravity and grounding.

Curious to learn more? Alice Child offers 1:1 sex coaching and education for individuals, couples and groups. Get in touch to find out more!