Libido changes and increasing your sex drive this Winter

Somatic Sexologist and Sex & Intimacy Counsellor Alice Child explains libido and sex drive changes, and gives her top tips for increasing your desire for sex this winter.

What is a ‘sex drive’ / ‘libido’ ?

Many people talk about having a high or low sex drive / libido. But unlike the drive for food or the drive for water, sex isn’t a human need – it’s a desire. And it’s a desire that can either thrive and flourish or wither and die depending on context, mindset and stimulus.

With the wrong context, we all have the potential to have low sexual desire. Just think about trying to be sensual and sexual in a dark, freezing, smelly room with children screaming next door and lots of distractions. Compare that to how sexy you feel in a warm, sunny, private holiday villa in the south of France!

Is it normal for libido to fluctuate? Is it something to worry about?

It is not only very very normal, but in my opinion it’s inevitable at some point in life! There are so many things that impact your libido that self awareness is key. If its causing you and/or your relationship stress, I advise asking yourself a few questions:

• When did you notice this change?
• Can you spot any patterns over time? 
• How long has it lasted / does it tend to last?
• Did you have any big changes or stresses in your life at this point? Eg new medications, relationship conflict, new job, moving house, having children? 

Yes! Sexual desire isn’t black and white - either there or not, either ‘low’ or ‘high’. Instead, it changes, fluctuates and evolves throughout our lives. This can be year by year, month by month, week by week, day by day, or even minute by minute!  It’s often useful to track yours to see if you can identify any patterns. For example:

• Daily - due to changing hormone levels, some people feel hornier in the morning (when testosterone is highest), whereas other people prefer evening sex when they feel more relaxed
• Monthly - For women, monthly hormonal changes with their menstrual cycle can have a big impact on desire for sex at different phases 
• Yearly -seasonal changes in the weather can impact people’s mental health and desire for sex (especially if being cold is a big turn off for you!)

What impacts your libido?

So many things impact our libido and sex drive, and it will be different for everyone. Sex Educator Emily Negoski in her best selling book “Come As You Are” defines two types of sexual desire that often help explain sex drive changes influenced by your ‘breaks’ and ‘accelerators’:

• Spontaneous desire is a spark of interest in sex that seems to come out of thin air- your interest in sex seemingly comes before any external stimulus for it.  For example, seeing your partner walk through the door fully clothed and not in a sexual context and feeling in the mood for sex. 

• Responsive desire however is the growing interest in sex that occurs in reaction to sexual stimuli. Even if you’re initially not in the mood for sex, sometimes if you give yourself enough time, context and pleasurable stimulation (aka ‘accelerators’) you realise that you’ve changed your mind!  This stimulus could be anything; physical closeness with your partner, a makeout session on the sofa, a sensual massage, seeing your partner undress, time to destress and unwind after your day, a hot bath, a foot rub, reading erotica, a relaxing physical environment with candles and soft music… it really depends on what works for you!

Responsive and spontaneous desire are both very common, normal and healthy. When more sexy accelerators (turn ons) are present than ‘brakes’ (turn offs), desire can thrive.

What are some common reasons people experience libido changes? 

• Hormone changes - Sex hormones such as testosterone, progesterone and estrogen are responsible for sexual function and desire. Changes  in hormone levels due to periods, contraception, pregnancy, menopause, childbirth etc can impact libido significantly
• Stress - When we are stressed (inside or outside the bedroom) our body releases cortisol. This is a hormone that inhibits testosterone - a hormone responsible for sex drive. If we are continually stressed at work it can start to impact our sex life. 
• Gut health and diet - 90% of our hormones are made in the gut. If our gut health if off, our sexual health usually follows
• Painful sex or injury causing low desire - eg scar tissue in the abdomen, reduced blood flow to the vulva and vagina, UTIs and STIs, vaginismus, endometrosis etc.
• Guilt/shame - Most of us were raised in a conservative and sex negative environment, meaning sexual shame and anxiety is very common. When we experience sexual shame it stops us enjoying the moment and accessing pleasure.
• Busy mind - When our mind is busy and we are stuck in our head it is much harder to drop into our body and feel pleasure. We might find our mind wandering, or struggle to stay in the moment. This is why mindfulness and meditation can be so important for sexual happiness. 
• Low body confidence - Low self-esteem can trigger performance anxiety. The more you worry about your looks in bed, the more stressed you become. All this tension may lead to lower desire
• Relationship issues -  If we don’t feel happy or safe in a relationship, our body and nervous system is in a heightened state of alert and up-regulation. All of this tension and stress could result in low desire
• Mental illness and/or medication - Depression, mental health disorders, anxiety, and certain medication can lower libido. 
• Sleep issues- Sleep deprivation and tiredness may cause sexual desire to dip. Researchers have also suggested that stress and fatigue related to lack of sleep may make sexual problems worse.
• Sexual Breaks - Sometimes we might consciously or unconsciously repress feelings of arousal/excitement when we have too many sexual breaks present. Things like busyness, exhaustion, trauma, body confidence or painful sexual experiences. Overtime, if we do this enough, we may stop feeling sexual desire altogether.  
• Sexual Trauma

Now that we're heading into winter months, what is the impact of darker/colder days on our libido, and what are your tips to manage it?

Seasonal depression is very common in the Uk, which would contribute to overall feelings of low mental and sexual health.

Also being cold is a huge sexual break for many people, as it prevents blood flow which is vital for arousal to build in the body.

I recommend understanding your own turn ons and turn offs- Your turn ons (accelerators) are everything you need to feel aroused, and your turn offs (brakes) are everything that will distract you and get in the way of desire building. Brakes and Accelerators are different for everybody, so take some time reflecting on yours. 

What is it about winter that is a break for you, and how can you can some more accelerators? For example:

• The cold: Get a heated blanket and turn it on 30 minutes before sexy time
• The darkness: Make it romantic with fairy lights, candles and sensual music
• Bad mental health: increase your self care routine in this time and be gentle with yourself