Orgasms don't guarantee sexual fulfilment. How to prioritise feeling over function.

By Emily King, Sexologist

With productivity culture and its emphasis on efficiency and output on the rise, it’s time we considered how it impacts our relationship with sex and pleasure. 

The modern world operates on the basis of immediacy; we have instant access to limitless information and are bombarded with motivational messages encouraging us to ‘hustle’ and to just do more.

Is it any wonder then, that sex has become a goal orientated experience? 

In goal-orientated sex, orgasm is the main indicator of ‘successful’ sex, but in my experience as a somatic sexologist specialising in the needs of women, it doesn’t guarantee fulfilment. I often meet women who are able to reach orgasm quickly and consistently, yet feel dissatisfied with the quality of their sexual pleasure.

New research agrees: “orgasms aren't the sole key to women's sexual satisfaction”. So, what else is there?

The issue with focusing heavily on one specific outcome (orgasm), our experience of pleasure becomes reduced to mere functionality. Functionality doesn’t invite curiosity, it lacks eroticism and exploration. 

Here are my 5 tips to foster an approach to sex that prioritises feeling over function.

1. Practice mindfulness through touch

Touch is the chronological mother of our senses. Incorporating touch into daily mindfulness practice is an effective way to anchor into the body, which is where pleasure exists after all! Taking as little as 10 minutes each day to enjoy a daily ritual of touch is a simple yet profound way to combine pleasure-practice with self care. I suggest starting with a non-sexual part of the body, such as your hands, to take the pressure off of orgasm completely. Sitre’s Care & Intimacy Massage oil is a beautiful all rounder oil, nourishing to the skin for external use, and safe to use internally as a lube too.

2. Explore erogenous zones

These are parts of the body that are sensitive to touch and contribute to building arousal. These can include, but aren’t limited to, behind the knees, upper or lower back, wrist, scalp, bum, inner thighs ,nipples, lips, mouth. Exploring erogenous zones activates the whole body so that pleasure isn’t only in the genitals, meaning you disperse energy throughout your entire being. I Iove incorporating nipple gel into play. Not only can it lead to nipple orgasms, but it helps to establish an explorative mindset as it can be used across a variety of erogenous zones, including the clitoris. 

3. Slow down

The female body is naturally hedonistic, we often just don’t give it the time it needs. We weren’t built to ‘take it’ hard and fast, on average it takes women 20-40 minutes to become fully aroused. Moving to penetrative sex before you are even fully aroused is a guaranteed way to cut your pleasure in half and to cause numbness in the body. A pre-lube, such as Foria’s Awaken Arousal Oil, can invite a slower pace as it takes 5-30 minutes to take effect.

4. Blend pleasure

To blend pleasure, start with stimulation that you know brings you pleasure already. For example, if you enjoy clitoral stimulation and know this often results in pleasure or orgasm, stimulate this area (perhaps with your favourite vibrator) while exploring somewhere new. The existing pleasure pathways in the brain through familiar stimulation and touch will encourage the wiring of new neuro-pathways towards other experiences of pleasure. Play with known areas and blend to activate the possibility of the unknown. 

5. Get clear on your ‘why’

Why do you have sex?

Why do you self-pleasure?

Practical techniques for exploration are only truly helpful when we consciously remember our ‘why’. It is likely your ‘why’ will change, depending on the day and your mood. Orgasms have multiple health benefits, including pain relief and improved sleep, so functional pleasure and orgasm serves a brilliant purpose when that’s what you’re after. Setting intentions before experiencing pleasure can inform the approach. For example, “I want to have an orgasm so I can get to sleep” and “I want to express myself sensually” are intentions that require different approaches.