'People with a disability enjoy sex too! How I reclaimed my sexual power’

Guest post by Billie Anderson @billieandersonx

Sex is largely missed out when you have a disability or are disabled.

Foregoing any generalisation, our able bodied society tries to ignore that people with a disability have sex and enjoy pleasure… 

Im Billie, I’m 24 and from London.  At the age of 20 I was diagnosed with Inflammatory Bowel Disease that led to having my colon removed a year later.  I now live with a stoma bag - which I choose to define as my disability.

Two days before my surgery, my stoma nurse sat me down for “a chat”. She asked me a multitude of questions however, when I replied “no” to “do you have a boyfriend?”, she replied “oh, well, I won’t go into anything ‘like this’ given you aren’t in a relationship.” An incredibly problematic response for many reasons: (1) assuming I only date men, (2) assuming women only have sex when you’re in a relationship and (3) how am I supposed to communicate my new body when I have not been equipped with the proper support in the first place?

I spent 10 months getting used to my new body before I was back on my feet and on my way to complete my degree.  I was single and riding high on how lifesaving my little bag was; oozing with confidence! As I started to gain confidence in myself I chose to dip my toe in the ocean of dating. 

My approach: If they don’t like my bagged stomach, that says more about them than it does about me. This bag saved my life and I’m proud of who I am.

But I didn’t want a relationship, I wanted casual sex.  Yes, I said it! At 21, I was a woman with a disability who wanted casual sex. I wanted one night stands, I wanted to feel sexy and sexual. 

My relationship history hadn’t been love letters and wild romance, nor had my relationship with sex. Before this I was taught that sex was about pleasing him.  I’d been made to feel guilty when I wasn’t “up for it”, pressured into doing things I wasn’t comfortable with and (shock horror) never experienced an orgasm with a man. I felt ashamed for masturbating and saw sex toys as raunchy… My experience of sex was a transaction; in, out, he’s done and I scuttle off to pee. It wasn’t about pleasure or feeling good, I actually felt awful. 

So this time, I was determined to reclaim my sexual power - take back what had been robbed from me for so long. I had one night stands and the occasional booty call. For the first time in my life I felt like I was in control of my sexual happiness. And I’m not ashamed any more to say I had a great time!

I had sex with people I didn’t know and most I can’t remember the names of. Too often women are made to feel shame for enjoying sex - we are called whores, slags and skanks - while men cheer and pat their friends on the back if they come home in the clothes from the night before. I too have been influenced by our patriarchal society and grew up thinking women who masturbated or owned sex toys were hyper sexual and I too once thought an ex-flat of mine was a slag for having sex with random men throughout the week. And despite all this, we are expected to be “good in bed”. We fear locker room gossip that hangs over you like a dark cloud, should it ‘get out’ that you have pubes, don’t give blowjobs or didn’t scream like a porn star. 

As a society we are conditioned to believe women have to be prim and proper on the outside but sexual freaks in the bedroom; but god forbid its out of wedlock! If she has wild sex and isn’t in a relationship, she’s tainted goods…

I’m now in a very strong relationship that is different to all the others when it comes to sex. Because of my disability, ‘traditional sex’ can be uncomfortable or certain positions aren’t easy anymore, so it has opened us up to trying new things. We are have frank and open conversations, we set boundaries for one another and my perception of what ‘sex’ actually is has changed.  Sex isn’t transactional anymore and it isn’t all about him.

With research and learning more from sexual wellness instagram accounts that I ever did at school, my eyes have been opened to the broad spectrum that sex actually constitutes of. It is more than just penis in vagina… There isn’t any pressure or feeling that you have to ‘fake it’ to make HIM feel better about his performance, it is about feeling confident, sexy and wanted. For me it is about being in control of my pleasure and feeling closer to my boyfriend. It’s losing yourself in each others arms, feeling safe and loved. It has also allowed me to bathe in body confidence, see my disability as something I can truly accept. 

You do not have to mould yourself into what society has deemed acceptable sex. You should shape it and make it your own. You don’t owe anybody anything and you should never wait until you’re 22 to orgasm! We need to educate one another and be open about all people and all body types engaging in heathy sex lives!