My First Sex Therapy Session

Written by Kalila, SheSpot's Co-Founder

When people hear the words ‘sex therapy’, there's often a mix of curiosity, hesitation, and perhaps a touch of scepticism. Many see sex therapy as a last resort for a poor sex life or a specific problem, especially if they’re in a committed relationship. 

I must admit, I had previously made some of these assumptions myself. So it’s fair to say that when our SheSpot sexologist Alice Child offered me a chance to try sex therapy, I was a little apprehensive!

A few worries flashed through my mind. Was I comfortable opening up to someone new about such personal experiences (usually reserved for best friends over wine!).  Does going to sex therapy suggest there’s something wrong in my sex life?  How will my partner feel about it? What would I actually get out of it? 

Worries aside, as a founder of a sexual wellness platform that actively encourages sex positivity and healthy communication, I knew I wanted to practise what I preach! So, I took the plunge, signed up for my first sex therapy session, and enjoyed an experience that totally changed my approach to navigating intimacy.

No time like the present!

The chance to try sex therapy actually came up at a really valuable time for me. Recently, I was diagnosed with ADHD - something I’ve suspected for a long time but, like thousands of others, struggled to get an assessment. 

ADHD can impact every aspect of your life, including the way you work, how you interact with others and even how you regulate your emotions. It shouldn’t really have been a surprise to me therefore that it impacts your sexual experiences too. Indeed, there have been times when I have felt incredibly passionate about sex and intimacy (so much so I started an entire business on the topic!), and other times when my mind feels too overwhelmed or distracted to even contemplate it. 

Sex therapy presented an exciting opportunity to really re-interrogate how I navigate sexual experiences, and how this may actually feed into my overall ADHD management. 

Preparing for my first session

The sex therapy process began with filling out an intake form. This wasn't just any form; it was detailed and required a level of introspection that was both daunting and enlightening! The questions asked what I liked about my sex life, what challenges I’d had and what I’d like to get out of the session (amongst many other things!).  

To be honest, completing the form made me feel quite vulnerable, as I wrote down intimate thoughts and experiences that would be read by someone outside my close circle. But I knew it was a necessary step towards understanding myself better - so I took a deep breath and pressed submit!  

How the session worked

Taking a video call from the comfort of my lounge, I logged in to my first session with Alice, our lovely SheSpot sexologist. I was nervously expecting to jump into all the juicy details straight off the bat, but Alice very successfully brought calm and focus to the session by starting with a short, guided meditation. This created a really safe, positive headspace to start the 90 minutes we had together. Alice emphasised that I was in control of the session - a really reassuring statement that reminded me that I was there to explore and grow at my own pace.

Talking about my sex life with Alice felt strange at first - especially over Zoom which I usually reserve for work calls! But as we delved deeper, I found it incredibly liberating. We spoke about experiences I’d had throughout my life, and started to understand where certain insecurities or desires may have come from. 

Alice underlined that sexuality is not just defined by interactions with a partner but also by our relationship with ourselves. I think this is an important reminder for us all and highlighted the value of sex therapy no matter your relationship status. 

For me, one of the most profound takeaways of sex therapy was a renewed sense of self-compassion and self-awareness. There’s still shame and stigma around sex and pleasure (especially for women), so I think it’s very normal to internalise societal pressures and play down negative experiences or worries. But as with all therapy - looking back can be a really important way to achieve clarity and understanding. In the context of sex in particular, encouraging open conversations also helps to keep us safe, set boundaries and feel empowered to prioritise our pleasure. 

The best homework you’ll ever receive!  

One of my favourite aspects of sex therapy was the tangible takeaways and the homework! Drawing from her online sex and intimacy course ‘Pillow Play’, Alice introduced me to some practical communication exercises that she often recommends to her clients. 

Yes, No Maybe 

One of the first activities was a communication game called ‘Yes, No, Maybe’. This exercise involves asking a partner for something, and the partner honestly responding with (you guessed it) ‘yes’, no’ or ‘maybe’. Whatever the response may be, the person asking for something must then thank their partner for their response.

In the session with Alice, I practised making (non-sexual!) requests and then swapping roles to respond to her questions. Surprisingly even saying or receiving a flat ‘no’ to questions like ‘Will you make me a cup of coffee?’, felt challenging and uncomfortable. This discomfort was actually really eye-opening, and made me realise how much easier it can be to please people rather than give an honest response - not just in our sex lives!

What was interesting was how quickly the discomfort around giving or receiving such direct ‘yes’ / ‘no’ responses felt normal. I started to appreciate how important this lesson could be for all of us (especially young people) in being confident in setting our own sexual boundaries. 

However the most valuable takeaway from the game was giving myself the option to say ‘maybe’. It’s actually not something that really occurs to me when it comes to sex, perhaps wanting to avoid a discussion half way through that I’ve changed my mind. Alice explained that saying ‘maybe’ can be a great way to feel comfortable and emotionally safe with a partner. The freedom to change your mind can help you relax and focus on pleasure rather than worrying whether you want to continue. This is another crucial lesson for us all - your mood can change in an instance and it’s ok to be honest and open about this with your partner. 

Sexual bucket list!

Another exercise Alice recommended was creating a "sexual bucket list." This is another part of her online ‘Pillow Play’ course and is a fun and low pressure way to explore desires and interests. 

The bucket list is a long tick box exercise for both partners to complete. Both have to separately read through the list and tick things they’d be open to try, curious about, or interested in. It provides a structured way to communicate without making anything feel high pressure or a big deal.

Once complete, both partners are encouraged to discuss their lists openly to see where there is overlap! I look forward to trying this out! 

Give sex therapy a go!

If there's one thing I want others to take away from my experience, it's that sex therapy is not something to be feared, or a tool to use only when things are going wrong. It's about understanding yourself, developing self-compassion, and improving communication in all areas of your life.  So, if you're considering it, take that leap. You might just find it to be one of the most enlightening experiences of your life.

With thanks to Alice Child, our SheSpot sexologist for the opportunity to try a session! If you're interested in seeing if sex therapy feels right fo you, you can have a free and confidential discovery call by booking in with Alice here!